Episode 321
“Dahun….”
Park Dayoung called her younger sister in a weak voice.
“Let’s eat some food, okay? “He cooked vegetables for me.”
“….”
“If you keep doing this, I’ll be really upset… Hey, Park Da-hoon…”
I tried to pretend to be light and shook him gently, but Park Da-hoon didn’t show much of a reaction. Park Da-young, who had never seen someone so intimidated and kept her mouth shut no matter how much she didn’t like or how difficult it was, couldn’t help but worry about her younger brother.
‘I’ve never seen anything like this, even when I was young.’
They were at most one year apart, so when Park Da-hoon was young, Park Da-young would have been younger as well, but the fact that she was born into a family like this and lived another year was important to Park Da-young. To her, Park Da-hoon was not only a friend she could communicate well with, but also a younger brother who she had to protect and guide.
However, even Park Da-young, who had seen all of Park Da-hoon’s weak sides, was seeing a face like this for the first time. In fact, Park Da-hoon may not have been very spirited, but he was a child who stubbornly maintained his position even under such parents thanks to his clear thinking.
“…Other adults are worried too…”
“…I’ll stay like this for a little while.”
“Let’s eat and rest, or do you want to drink some water? huh?”
Park Da-hoon shook his head on his knees at the gently soothing voice.
“are you okay.”
“Park Da-hoon.”
“It’s really okay.”
“You really…”
Even as she felt overwhelmed with sadness and frustration, Park Da-young kept her mouth shut, feeling sick at the helpless appearance of her younger brother, whom she was seeing for the first time in her life. Even though she prided herself on being able to respond well to all kinds of difficult situations, it was unfamiliar to her to see her younger brother suffer so openly.
I was also aware that I was fidgeting excessively, but I was too distracted to try to fix it.
‘What should I do… what should I do? This isn’t the kind of guy he is…’
In the end, Park Da-young is also a young student who only lived for 19 years.
“…Hey, Dahun. Should I call you? You don’t seem to be sleeping well these days…”
“…”
“Shall I call you? huh?”
At the word ‘uncle,’ my shoulders trembled and my head, which was between my knees, gently lifted up. When Park Da-young asked, appreciating the gaze that seemed to have lasted a long time, Park Da-hoon’s eyes blinked.
“….”
The gaze that had been silently staring at Park Da-young disappeared into the inside of her knees again.
“Sorry.”
“…What do you have to be sorry about?”
“It’s just…”
“I’m fine.”
“It’s my fault.”
“I said I’m really fine….”
“I’m sorry, sister.”
“Hey…”
Rather than the embarrassment that came out of me at the unfamiliar and weak appearance, I felt an inexplicable sadness, as if I was a newborn baby crying when the child next to me cried. There were more than a few adults who were worried about Park Da-hoon looking downcast like a person suffering from depression.
‘The uncle also went there… Mina and others came too…’
Whenever we encountered adults, my siblings and I did our best to create the impression that we were ‘weak and good kids’. Of course, I make up facial expressions to choose the right person and situation, but even if that’s not the case, I basically want to make a good impression when I encounter an adult.
So, if adults came to visit because they were worried, it would have been normal for him to at least pretend to be grateful, but right now, Park Da-hoon couldn’t even do that.
‘Besides, even you are avoiding me. This is absolutely ridiculous.’
More than anything, I was concerned that there was a difference between the attitude of avoiding Lee Jae-heon and the attitude of avoiding other adults. When other adults spoke to him, he just fidgeted helplessly, but when dealing with Lee Jae-heon, it was obvious that he didn’t know what to do. I still can’t forget the sight of me fidgeting with a mixture of fear, discomfort, and guilt.
‘Uncle In-ho’s condition is also ridiculous, and everyone is reacting as if a monster attacked him, but this isn’t because of a monster.’
Dayoung Park carefully looked at her younger brother.
“…Dahun.”
“….”
“I… I’ll stay here. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“huh.”
“are you okay.”
Suddenly, Park Da-young held back the tears that threatened to break out and took a seat next to her younger brother, hugging her knees.
“…are you okay.”
I wanted to ask how he returned, but I held back.
‘…It looks like he regressed right before entering school, so what happened in the last episode? It’s clear that Park Da-hoon has done something to make a face like this…’
Park Da-young was confident that she knew her younger brother better than anyone else. I was used to being able to read the inner thoughts from that expression, and it was probably the same for Park Da-hoon. Park Da-young realized how serious the situation was through the strange reluctance that Park Da-hoon showed when Lee Jae-heon came to visit her.
‘Rejection wasn’t just rejection.’
There were many times when the siblings felt rejected because they felt burdened or disliked the other person, but that did not explain Park Da-hoon’s condition. Clearly, Park Da-hoon
was drenched in guilt right now…
“….”
‘…me. Uncle Garam unni. Mr. Munsan-gun and… Grandma Azalea. And the babies…’
The targets of his guilt were a total of 7 people, which was a lot. Park Da-young judged that Park Da-hoon from the last episode either abandoned them or caused them great harm.
‘Could it be that he killed her…’
Thinking that far, Park Da-young pursed her lips.
“…Are not you hungry?”
“…I’m not hungry.”
“okay.”
I wanted to hear from my younger brother what happened.
Even if she wanted to hear from others, the last survivor who appeared to be the last survivor was Park Da-hoon, so there was no way for Park Da-young to know his situation unless he told her directly. Even if there was one, I didn’t want to hear it unless it was Park Da-hoon.
“Hey, but.”
“….”
“…I’m hungry.”
“huh.”
“I want to eat.”
“huh.”
“shall we go together?”
“no.”
“You shameful bastard.”
When I tried to pretend to be offended in a voice that didn’t sound pouty at all, the head that seemed like it was about to fall to the ground lifted up. Park Da-hoon, who was looking at Park Da-young with a blank face, spoke in his characteristic blunt and quiet voice.
“Come back.”
“you.”
“are you okay.”
“Are you okay without me?”
“…That’s not it….”
“…It’s my friend.”
Park Da-young stood up, trying to pretend to be light and shake off the heavy feeling.
“I bring food.”
“Eat and come.”
“I want to eat here.”
“There are no dishes.”
“Uncle Doyoon went out the other day and brought some dishes.”
“I’m fine.”
“Fuck you, you’re not okay.”
After saying that, Park Da-young walked towards the adults.
“Dayoung.”
“Sister….”
“Dahun says you’re not hungry?”
“You say so, but why am I not hungry?”
“Hmm, I guess so…”
Kang Min-ah, who had taken care of each other’s share, was also glancing at Park Da-hoon, even though she was pretending not to be an adult. It seemed like he was very worried that a guy who normally wouldn’t act like that would suddenly act like that.
“…Still, I guess I’ll have to eat.”
“I’ll feed you while I’m eating. “Can I use some dishes?”
“wait for a sec.”
Kang Min-ah accepted Park Da-young’s request without saying anything more. Even in this environment, Park Da-young bowed her head after receiving lightly cooked vegetables and cherry tomatoes.
“Thank you.”
“I am more grateful… call me if you need anything.”
“yes.”
I realized that it was considerate not to talk too much.
“….”
Park Da-young’s stiff shoulders slowly lowered.
Soon she too would become an adult, but to Park Da-young, adults were untrustworthy beings. I myself knew that it was a childish black and white logic, but what can I do when that perception has already become ingrained in me? It was not simply because adults over the age of 20 were reluctant, but because they felt rejected by the very existence of ‘adults’.
‘…I guess I should have trusted you though.’
Rather than a relationship of using and being exploited, there was also a way to build more vague but honest trust. There must have been. Whenever Park Da-young saw adults looking at us with concern, she felt strangely frustrated and disappointed.
The reason my siblings and I couldn’t easily feel comfortable even under the worried gazes of adults was because our siblings were so grotesque.
‘…No, no. Looking at Park Da-hoon’s reaction, I can’t just trust Min-ah. It’s better to keep some distance in your mind.’
When I think of Park Da-hoon’s face when Kang Min-ah approached him, I couldn’t believe that he was a friendly adult. Rather, I had realized through many years of experience that the more affectionate I was, the more I could cause harm to my siblings.
They had to be wise.
“….”
Suddenly, a faint purple color appeared in Park Da-young’s eyes.
“Dayoung.”
“…Uh, uncle.”
She suddenly came to her senses when Lee Jae-heon called her.
The air in the secret world is so heavy that you can lose your mind even if you let your guard down for even a moment, so this often happens, and it seemed like Lee Jae-heon woke me up. As she was thinking that, Lee Jae-heon approached Park Da-young.
“Come with me.”
“…yes?”
“I said let’s go together.”
Jaeheon Lee said with his characteristic dry face.
“Children shouldn’t be alone.”
“…Ah…”
Park Da-young was overcome by a strange feeling that was difficult to express in words.
“….”
How should I express this?
In fact, it’s not that the other survivors have bad or untrustworthy personalities, but every time something like this happens, I can’t help but feel like Lee Jae-heon is the only adult in this wide world. Even if it wasn’t Dayoung Park, she would feel the same way.
“…Yes….”
I was grateful for the short words of consideration, but in the end, what she needed was help from adults.
“thank you.”
This is why it is inevitable that other people will not notice it.
* * *
Park Da-hoon had a bad dream.
“Dahun?”
“….”
“…Oh my…”
The old man’s face muttered as if he felt sorry for me.
“Hyung, are you sick?”
“….”
“It looks really painful.”
Minhong has a calm face, as if he is stating the obvious.
“…brother.”
“….”
“They’re going to kill us.”
Jang Seo-ah asks while crying.
“…uh.”
Park Da-hoon killed someone.
“But this isn’t me.”
“You’re right.”
“Don’t put the blame on me… I’ve never killed anyone.”
If it is a dream, it will quietly disappear from my mind like a dream. I’m not going to let you know about that liveliness and the terrible silence. How on earth did I make the weight of the saw in my hands so clear?
It was a little heavy. Very occasionally, it was thin and thick, like when cutting a clove of hard garlic while cooking. It was a heaviness that made me feel an unknown excitement and a slight fear, as if I was worried that my hand might also be cut by that small lump.
But it was also lighter than that. Park Da-hoon remembered the soft, feather-like sensation as when he gently sliced a freshly picked, high-quality zucchini, or when he cut the soft bean into pieces and chopped them on their own. Since I could never see it as the feeling of cutting up human flesh and meat, I remembered it instead.
“…Do you think you would have made a different choice?”
‘Park Da-hoon’, with an evil face, muttered while holding a saw. Blood drips down and forms a puddle.
“You are the same asshole. “He’s just like me, a selfish, asshole who can’t do anything.”
“This is a dream.”
“It’s a dream, but it’s reality. Look. Will you do this too someday? If I killed someone and you were in the same situation, what difference do you think it would make? No, it’s the same.”
“It’s a dream…”
“I hope you’re just as crazy as me.”
That was my nightmare.
“….”
It was a dream.
Dahoon Park raised his upper body.
“…eww.”
I couldn’t even scream when I opened my eyes and couldn’t even confirm if this was reality, but the sound of my pounding heart and the colors of the other world felt through my blurry vision gradually reassured me.
Still, I couldn’t leave my seat for a long time because I remembered the weight of the saw I was holding in my hands.
“…Ugh….”
How could this vivid sensation be just a dream?
“Wow….”
The feel of the saw blade digging into the body of the person whose heart was racing and the movement of the muscles contracting from the pain. The vibrations of the creature that was climbing on it. I was remembering everything, even the body crawling across the floor, lightly stained with blood.
“It was a dream…uh.”
It was no comfort.
“It was a dream.”
It wasn’t comforting, and I knew it couldn’t be comforting, but it was more like an attempt to inform me of objective reality.
I probably wouldn’t be able to get over this terrible feeling for a very long time. It would be difficult to reassure me by saying that it was just a dream and that it was not reality. Even if it was just a dream, wouldn’t I be completely frightened by the dream?
But look. Feel the feeling of relief that it creates, with your hands covered in dirt without any traces of blood or flesh. You didn’t have the gray pieces of meat and inorganic saw blades of those poor people. What you’re scared of is just a dream that you can’t do anything about.
“It was a dream…”
Park Da-hoon muttered helplessly because it did not comfort me but only showed me the reality.
“It was a dream.”
Then, before I knew it, it had become a comfort to me.
However, if it was a fear that would go away after receiving comfort a few times, I wouldn’t have been so scared by my dream. In other words, the problem was that it hardly felt like a dream. The feel of the saw blade and the feeling of tearing of living muscles. Torn human skin. Vibrations from a heart that is still beating.
My hand digs into it once more….
“….”
Perhaps
I killed someone.
“…It was a dream….”
“Yes, it was a dream.”
“….”
“This is reality.”
Park Da-hoon blinked and turned his head at the voice he heard only then.
“Oh, isn’t it? “Is it correct to call it the underworld?”
“…mister.”
“It’s okay, go to sleep. “If you’re even more scared, just lie down next to me.”
“….”
“Why don’t you lie down here?”
Step by step, his surroundings came into view.
Lee Jae-heon, leaning against a tree with his arms crossed, and Park Da-young, who is in a deep sleep with her arm resting on Lee Jae-heon’s left thigh. Da-hoon Park was sitting to the right of Jae-heon Lee under the pitch-black night sky, with only the bonfire quietly crackling.
“…Did I… use it as a pillow?”
“No, he was sleeping well, so I just came and sat next to him. Park Da-young quietly lay down after that. “It looks like you were uncomfortable sleeping without a pillow. Lie down again when I hear you say nice things.”
“….”
“Park Da-hoon.”
Jaeheon Lee pressed his head down and laid it on my thigh.
“rest.”
“…mister.”
“are you okay.”
“scary.”
“It was all a dream…”
A large hand slowly stroked Park Da-hoon’s head.
“This is not a dream.”
“As long as it’s no different from a dream.”
“Unlike dreams, everything here can be changed.”
“If it becomes just like the dream….”
“I will help you.”
“…Uncle.”
“I’ll help you out, so let’s get a good night’s sleep, Dahun.”
“….”
“If you dream, you don’t sleep.”
I don’t know why that unique dry, tired voice was so comforting. When I came back to it myself, I was anxious, as if no matter how many times I screamed and struggled, it wouldn’t work…
“It’s all the adults’ fault that the kids are sick.”
“…no.”
“So don’t be sick…it’ll make your stomach hurt.”
“I’m fine.”
“Get some rest.”
Sigh.
A large hand covered Park Da-hoon’s eyes.
“It’s okay now.”
“….”
“…Everything will be okay….”
It was a vague and unfounded promise.
“…yes.”
That was comforting.
(Continued in the next part)
